Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores Read online

  With 55 black-and-white illustrations

  by Greg McLeod / The Brothers McLeod

  “What is your biggest pet peeve?”

  This simple Twitter question posed by John Cleese inspired bookseller and writer Jen Campbell to start a blog collecting all the amusing, baffling, and just plain hilarious exchanges taking place in her bookstore, everything from “Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?” to “Did Charles Dickens ever write anything fun?” Anyone who has worked in retail will nod knowingly at requests like “I’ve forgotten my glasses, can you read me the first chapter?” Or the absurdity of questions like “Excuse me … is this book edible?” And not to be missed is the chapter “Books for Kindling”—a revealing look at the battle between e-books and p-books.

  Filled with fun and quirky illustrations by the award-winning Brothers McLeod and featuring contributions from booksellers across the United States and Canada, as well as the author’s native UK, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores is a celebration of bookstores large and small, and of the brilliant booksellers that toil in those literary fields, as well as the myriad of colorful characters that walk through the doors every day. This irresistible collection is proof positive that booksellers everywhere are heroes.

  Copyright

  This edition first published in hardcover in the United States in 2012 by

  The Overlook Press, Peter Mayer Publishers, Inc.

  141 Wooster Street

  New York, NY 10012

  www.overlookpress.com

  For bulk and special sales, please contact [email protected]

  Copyright © 2011, 2012 by Jen Campbell

  Illustrations copyright © 2011, 2012 by the Brothers McLeod

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper, or broadcast.

  ISBN: 978-1-4683-1240-9

  For bookstores and heroic booksellers everywhere with thanks to our loyal customers, without whom we wouldn’t be selling books

  And to all the people within these pages who’ve kept me on my toes, made me smile and scared the absolute hell out of me—thank you

  CONTENTS

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  INTRODUCTION

  LITERARY PURSUITS

  WHAT WAS THAT TITLE AGAIN?

  PARENTS AND KIDS

  YOU WANT WHAT?

  CUSTOMERS BEHAVING BADLY

  ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?

  BOOKS FOR KINDLING

  THE ADULT SECTION

  HIGHER POWERS

  OUT OF PRINT

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  INTRODUCTION

  I grew up in the northeast of England (on a diet of books and biscuits) and, when I went to Edinburgh University to study literature, I decided to get a part-time job. It made sense to get a job in a bookstore, considering that’s where I spent most of my time in the first place. So, in 2008, I started work at the Edinburgh Bookshop, a wonderful independent bookstore in the Scottish capital, owned by Vanessa and Malcolm Robertson. They have a dog called Teaga, a huge Leonberger, who served as a mascot for the store. We’d tell children she was the dog from Peter Pan. They believed it, and they loved it. I loved it, too.

  I’d only been working in bookselling about a month when I realized that some customers really do say the craziest, rudest, and absolute weirdest things imaginable. As I was standing by the register one Saturday, a lady came up and said she’d just finished reading The Diary of Anne Frank. She had really liked it, and she wondered if Anne had ever written a sequel. I nearly choked on my tea! At first I thought she was joking, but the look on her face told me she was quite serious. This was the first “weird thing” a customer said to me but, as you’ll see, it was far from the last.

  When I graduated, I moved down to London where I now work in a rare bookstore called Ripping Yarns. It’s been around since the 1930s, but when the new owner, Celia, took the shop over in the 1980s, Terry Jones and Michael Palin (of Monty Python fame) were on hand for the grand reopening, hence the store’s new name. The venue changed but the weird things continued; in fact, they increased! There’s just something about old books and the odd requests they create.

  After a particularly strange day about a year ago in which I was asked if books were edible, I started putting some choice “Weird Things Customers Say…” quotes up on my blog (jen-campbell.blogspot.com). The intent wasn’t to mock or antagonize our customers. Far from it. Most of the people I meet everyday are amazing, an integral part of our north London neighborhood and the lifeblood of our business in a tough time for booksellers. But, as anyone who works in retail probably knows, there are some encounters that simply leave you speechless.

  Very quickly, links to the quotes I posted were thrown around Twitter by other bookstores and book-lovers who found them amusing. Neil Gaiman liked the posts and blogged about them, opening them up to an even wider audience. (Thank you, Neil!) After that, a publishing company in the UK got in touch and asked if I’d like to think about making “Weird Things…” into a book, and here we are! A full-length collection, illustrated by the fantastic Brothers McLeod.

  The response from the book community has been spectacular thus far, and for this American edition, we’ve rallied booksellers all over and asked them to send in quotes of their own experiences. So, in these pages, if the quotes aren’t credited, they are mine and, if they are, then they’ve been submitted by fellow booksellers across the United States and Canada. It was extremely reassuring to know that customers are saying bizarre things all over the place. Long live bookstores—and all our customers!

  Sometimes bookselling is the best job in the world, and sometimes it isn’t (as you’ll soon find out). However, one thing is for sure: it’s definitely never boring!

  —JEN CAMPBELL, 2012

  LITERARY PURSUITS

  Customer: Where are your copies of Breaking Dawn? I can’t see any on the shelf.

  Bookseller: Sorry, I think we’ve sold out of the Twilight books; we’re waiting on more.

  Customer: What?

  Bookseller: We should have some more in tomorrow.

  Customer: But I need a copy now—I just finished the third one last night.

  Bookseller: I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

  Customer: No, you don’t understand, I’ve taken the whole day off work to read it.

  Bookseller: Erm…

  Customer: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NOW!

  Bookseller: Erm…

  Customer: Can you call your wholesaler and see if they can deliver this afternoon?

  Bookseller: They only—

  Customer: And then I can wait here for the book to arrive.

  Bookseller: I’m sorry, they only deliver in the mornings.

  Customer: BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

  Bookseller: … We have many other books.

  Customer (sniffs): Do any of those have Robert Pattinson in them?

  Customer: Do you have any crime books about speeding tickets?

  Customer: Did Charles Dickens ever write anything fun?

  Bookseller: Can I help you find anything?

  Customer: Yes. Where are your books with words?

  Lanora Haradon

  Next Chapter Bookshop, Mequon, WI

  Customer: I want to buy a book for my mother
. She likes Danielle Steel.

  Bookseller: Here she is, under “S” for Steel.

  Customer: …Well, I don’t know which ones she’s already read… Do you?

  Bookseller: …

  Eve Taggart

  Half-Price Books, Atlanta, GA

  Customer: Where’s your true fiction section?

  Betsy Urbik

  Barnes and Noble, Rockford, IL

  Customer: This Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter book has to be the most historically accurate fiction book I’ve read.

  Carrie Austin

  Island Bookstore, Kitty Hawk, NC

  Customer: I’m looking for a biography to read that’s really interesting. Could you recommend one?

  Bookseller: Sure. What books have you read and liked?

  Customer: Well, I really loved Mein Kampf.

  Bookseller: …

  Customer: Loved is probably not the right word.

  Bookseller: No. Probably not.

  Customer: Liked, is probably better. Yes. Liked. I liked it a lot.

  Bookseller: …

  Customer: Do you have a book of mother-in-law jokes? I want to give it to my mother-in-law as a joke. But, you know, not really as a joke at all.

  Customer: Do you have a copy of Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley’s neck makes me want to punch things.

  Customer: Do you have any books containing passages which would be suitable to read out at a funeral?

  Bookseller: Sure, I’ll help you look.

  Customer: Thanks.

  Bookseller: And I’m sorry for your loss.

  Customer: Oh, don’t worry about it; it’s just my daughter’s guinea pig.

  Customer: If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.

  Anonymous

  Customer: Can you help me find a book, please?

  Bookseller: Sure, what are you in the mood for?

  Customer (leaning in very closely): I’m feeling very vulnerable right now.

  Meaghan Beasley

  Island Bookstore, Kitty Hawk, NC

  Customer: Where’s your poetry section?

  Bookseller: It’s just over here.

  Customer: Great. Do you know who wrote the poem “Happy Birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too”?

  Bookseller: …

  Customer: Do they have their own collection?

  Customer: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre?

  Bookseller: Actually, I just sold that this morning, sorry!

  Customer: Oh. Have you read it?

  Bookseller: Yes, it’s one of my favorite books.

  Customer: Oh great (sits down beside bookseller). Could you tell me all about it? I have to write a paper on it by tomorrow.

  Bookseller: Can I help you at all?

  Customer: No, I don’t think you’re qualified. I need a psychiatrist—that’s the only help I need.

  Bookseller: …. Ok.

  Rachele Willey

  Waterstone’s East Grinstead, UK

  Customer: Hi, could you recommend a book for me?

  Bookseller: Sure. What kind of thing are you looking for?

  Customer: Well, I was let out of jail this morning, so something not too heavy would be nice.

  Customer: Wow, you have a lot of neat stuff here. I wish I read.

  Customer’s friend: Yeah, if it’s not in People Magazine, I don’t care.

  Gabe Konrád

  Bay Leaf Used & Rare Books, Sand Lake, MI

  (Customer arrives at desk with two baby books, a stuffed bunny toy, and Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov)

  Bookseller: That’s an interesting selection you’ve got there.

  Customer: They’re all for different people.

  Jason Rosenberg

  National Bookstore Chain, Winnipeg, MB

  Customer: Do you have a book on the Enlightenment?

  Bookseller: Sure.

  Customer: Excellent. My son’s just about to start studying it at school. It’s all about the light bulb being invented, right?

  Customer: Hi, I’ve got a book on reserve and I’ve come to pick it up.

  Bookseller: Sure, what’s your name, and what was the title of the book?

  Customer: My name’s Stuart and it was volume one of The Waverley Children’s Dictionary.

  Bookseller: I’m sorry, I can’t see that on our reserve shelf. When did you come in and reserve it?

  Customer: Oh, it was a while ago now.

  Bookseller: A couple of weeks?

  Customer: No… more like a year and a half.

  Bookseller: I’m afraid we only reserve books for a month and then they have to go back out in the store. We don’t have the space to keep them to one side for longer.

  Customer: But I was really looking forward to reading that!

  Customer: Do you have any of those books where you can change the names of the main character to the name of the person you’re giving the book to? Do you have Alice in Wonderland, but not Alice; I’d like Sarah in Wonderland.

  Bookseller: I’m afraid you have to buy those from the publisher, as they’re a print on demand service.

  Customer: Yeah, I don’t really have time to do that. Do you have a copy of Alice in Wonderland? Then I can just cross out the name myself and change it.

  Customer: Where do you keep Hamlet? You know “to be or not to be”? Is it in with philosophy?

  Customer: I wonder if they have a book putter-backer; someone who puts back the books. I could do that and be paid in books.

  David Enyeart

  Common Good Books, St. Paul, MN

  Customer: Who wrote Winnie the Pooh?

  Bookseller: A. A. Milne.

  Customer: Ah, yes, that’s right. She hasn’t brought out anything new in a while, has she?

  Bookseller: He. And no, you’re right, he hasn’t.

  Customer: Do you have any Robin Hood stories where he doesn’t steal from the rich? My husband’s called Robin and I’d like to buy him a copy for his birthday, but he’s a banker, so …

  WHAT WAS THAT TITLE AGAIN?

  (A couple approaches the desk)

  Bookseller: Can I help you find something?

  Man: Yeah, we’re looking for a vocabulary book. It’s either called The Soars or The Sars.

  Bookseller: Let me look it up and see what we have.

  Woman: Oh, it’s ok, I made a note of the title.

  (Customer pulls a napkin from her purse and lays it down for the bookseller to read. Written on it is: “The Saurus.”)

  Anonymous

  Customer: Do you have a copy of Nineteen Eighty Six?

  Bookseller: Nineteen Eighty Six?

  Customer: Yeah, Orwell.

  Bookseller: Oh—Nineteen Eighty Four.

  Customer: No, I’m sure it’s Nineteen Eighty Six; I’ve always remembered it because it’s the year I was born.

  Bookseller: …

  Customer: My granddaughter’s looking for a book about Agnes’s knickers… do you know what I mean?

  Bookseller: Agnes’s knickers… Ah! Louise Rennison can be found over here.

  (Bookseller hands customer a copy of Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging)

  (At a university bookstore)

  Customer: I’m looking for a book for my Northern Anthropology Class.

  Bookseller: I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that class. Do you know the title, or have your syllabus with you?

  Customer: No.

  Bookseller: Right. What’s your overall course in?

  Customer: Literature.

  Bookseller: Oh. (pause) So, not anthropology?

  Customer: No.

  Bookseller: Right. Are you looking for the Norton Anthology?

  Customer: Yes, that’s it!

  Megan McCluskey

  College Bookstore, NJ

  Customer: Do you have Campbell’s Soup for the Soul?

  Glen Robbe

  Books Inc, Mountain View, CA
/>   Customer: I’m looking for some books on my kid’s summer reading list. Do you have Tequila Mockingbird?

  Anonymous

  Customer: Do you have the CliffNotes for The Poems of Jimmy Stewart?

  Anonymous

  Customer: Do you have Agatha Christie’s Death in Denial?

  Customer: May I have a copy of The Tiger’s Wife? How did she live with Tiger Woods all those years!

  Mary Jane Reed

  G. J. Ford Bookshop, St. Simons, GA

  Customer: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.

  Bookseller: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

  Customer: That must be it; I wondered what she was up to.

  Elizabeth Durand

  Bookland of Maine, ME

  Customer: There was a book in the eighties that I loved… but I can’t remember the title.

  Bookseller: Can you remember anything about it?

  Customer: I think it was called 360 Fairy Tales.

  Bookseller (searches on a central catalogue): Nothing under that name, sorry.

  Customer: I might have got the number wrong. Could you just type in “fairy tales” and see what comes up?

  Bookseller: That could take a while.

  Customer: Do you have that Enid Blyton series? Not The Secret Seven—the other one.

  Bookseller: The Five Find Outers? The Famous Five?

  Customer: Yes, The Famous Five, that’s the one. The one with the transsexual.

  Customer: Excuse me, but do you have Flowers for Arugula?

  Pam Price

  Book Shop of Beverly Farms, Beverly Farms, MA

  Customer: Hi, my kid needs The Count of Monte Crisco for Honors English.